In seventh grade, -
we had to make a presentation of a local tourist attraction.
I made mine of a dead standing pine in our village.
We jokingly call it "the Swing Tree," -
since five generations of men have hanged themselves from it.
Settler Ilmari Tuomi was the first.
He was lured to Lapland -
with free land and exemption from taxes and military service.
He built a sauna, a house, a barn and a storehouse.
Then frost killed his crops three years in a row.
His wife died of whooping cough. Mosquitos ate his youngest child.
His cows became dry because it was so dark.
My great-great-grandfather Toivo thought he was really smart -
selling moonshine to both Germans and Russians during the war.
The drunken Russians shot him in the leg.
The Germans burnt the village using the moonshine as lighter fluid.
In the 60s, it was Jaakko Kivi, the director of the employment agency.
He had lost his job because there were no jobs.
Women left the village in search of work, -
and the men found a partner...
...in the cold northern wind.
In 2003, I was already successfully unemployed.
Finland had a 5-1 lead against Sweden -
in the hockey world championships.
Kalle Laamanen was watching the game in the local bar.
His job had moved to China, his missus to the south.
It's 5-1!
For a moment, Kalle thought everything was going to be fine.
First Sweden scored two for 3-5.
Then they tied the game to 5-5.
Finland's 5-1 lead has turned into 5-5.
Finland is in ruins at the moment...
0h well.
My teacher said-
it was the best presentation I had ever made.
And the best I would ever do.
LAPLAND ODYSSEY
Janne.
Janne, wake up. You'll go get it today, right?
Here's fifty euros. That should be enough.
Titanic is on TV tonight. We'll watch it together.
You hear me, wombat?
Don't lie in bed all day. You have to get the digibox.
Hatunen's store closes at five. You hear me?
Bye.
This is my best friend Janne.
He has a missus but no digibox.
You've got a hex key for this?
- Where is it from? - From the TV stand.
- That won't hold your TV. - Oh yeah?
- It won't. - Sure it will.
- It won't. - I bet you it will.
It won't!
And I didn't even hit hard.
But there are four of those.
Three.
You're right. Three won't hold my TV.
- These days TV stands are made of chipboard. - It's a good TV stand.
- You've got a peg like this? - Yeah.
Wait. I'm almost there.
Tenth level.
- I'm Sexy Sabine. - Ja, ich komme.
Fuck. This is impossible.
- You've got two euros? - I don't have any change.
- Could you break this for me? - You have to buy something.
I'll have a beer.
The second-level girl is such a hag.
What do you need the peg for?
I need to assemble a TV stand for the digibox.
Hatunen!
- Sell me a digibox. - Sure. On Monday.
- I need one today. - It's five past.
C'mon. We'll go hunting in the fall.
- Huh? - Damn.
I'll be late for sauna...
- You want the cheapest model? - Yeah.
It's 49.90.
How about a cash discount for your old hunting buddy?
6.50 to be exact.
Hatunen, don't be a dick.
What?
Hatunen, you're a shitty shooter!
You've got Titanic?
- She's in bed. - At 7:30?
Get the booze!
Where have you been?
C'mon.
We'll go to Kapu's.
He'll download Titanic off the net.
- We bought cider. - You bought alcohol with my money!
I guess you could say that. Know why?
You're obsessed with the digibox.
You would've bought some piece of crap.
It's better to buy an HD digibox with a recorder.
- Janne. - If they pull a cable to our house,
- the antenna digibox won't work. - That's right.
Hatunen is expensive. No use buying anything from that dickhead.
We bought an immersion blender from him.
We never figured out how the buttons work.
It wouldn't even break the core of an apple.
- It was a piece of crap. - Told you.
I gave it to my aunt. She's more of a homemaker.
- My pants... - Out!
It's cold outside.
We'll wait for you.
I didn't ask you to clean or do the dishes.
I wanted you to buy us a digibox.
- You had the whole day. - I looked for a bargain, you see.
- Oh, I see you cleaned. - That's right.
I cooked and lit candles.
I thought we'd celebrate. And then you...
What am I going to do with you?
We'll stay home then.
I just thought you wanted to see Titanic.
No.
- Okay. - No. You'll go get the digibox.
You've talked about it for three years.
- On a Friday night? - You can call my dad.
I'm not calling him.
- Where do I get the money? - That's not my problem.
You'll bring me a digibox by tomorrow morning, -
or it's over. - What?
- By nine o'clock or I'm moving into Tiinu's.
All this fuss over a digibox.
Nine o'clock. I'll have my stuff ready.
No use getting worked up. I'll get you a digibox.
Fine, I'll go find you a digibox on a Friday night.
Then you can stop nagging -
and watch Titanic whenever you want.
I'll go get it. I'll go.
I'll go.
Then go!
My car stays here.
- Hi. - Hi.
Can I borrow your digibox? I promised I'd get one for Inari.
- Is she mad at you? - I'll give it back when she's calmed down.
It's none of my business, -
but are you sure Inari wanted you to borrow one?
You think I'm going to tell her?
How are you going to take it back?
I'll tell her it broke.
There's a sticker here. She'll notice.
- Can't you take it off? - No.
- Hi. - Hi, Kapu. I'll make sandwiches.
- What's going on? - Janne is borrowing the digibox.
I see. A man of principle.
- I'll go get turpentine. - That's okay.
Turpentine will do the job.
That's okay.
Rovaniemi Electronics Lights and Home Appliances.
What's up with my father-in-law?
Not much.
- You're at the store? - I'm closing.
Right. I was thinking... of buying a digibox from you.
Oh, it's not a useless thing anymore?
Well, I've got some extra money.
It's for our ninth anniversary.
She's put up with you for nine years?
Yeah.
How much "extra money" do you have?
There are a couple of variables...
- I've made a couple of good deals. - What deals?
Sorry, my battery is running out. See you in a couple of hours.
Who wants to come with me to Rovaniemi?
- You don't have any money. - We'll make some.
- "We'll make some"? - I have a couple of ideas.
It's Christmas party season. People are out partying.
Who's going to drive? It's 200 kilometers.
Räihä?
TIT-5
- Did you ask your mother? - I don't dare.
Great.
I was just thinking whether I should get a new subwoofer -
or fix the gas light.
- Oh, brilliant. - Great.
But the bass is a dream, isn't it?
This is just the perfect spot.
Never a dull moment with you guys.
I'll call Inari and ask her to bring gas on her way.
It sometimes gets jammed.
I'll go borrow gas from Little Mickey.
- He's building a house here. - From that midget? Inari's ex?
- Their relationship was... - I'm sure he'll be happy to.
- We're on good terms. - Oh really?
Let's go then.
He must be in bed. I'll siphon gas from his car and text him.
No need to wake him up.
- I see a light inside. - What?
- It's a night light. - No, it's the TV.
It's a blue night light.
That's the TV. It's flickering.
- A night light can flicker too. - That's right.
You don't know because you don't have a TV.
Oh, you're up.
We ran out of gas, so we came to borrow some.
I was going to leave money in your mailbox.
What's up? I hear your safari business is booming.
Nice house.
I've always said Little Mickey will...
- Mickey will do well in life. - That's right.
- We were just leaving... - Come in.
No need to take your shoes off. I have a cleaner.
Care for a shot of whiskey?
I just brought some pretty decent single malts from Ireland.
- Yeah, it's good with the EU... - What?
Nothing.
You've got two digiboxes!
The older one didn't have an HDMI connector.
Janne's missus is upset -
because he hasn't got her a digibox.
I wouldn't say "upset."
- Inari wants a digibox? - Go figure what women want...
Must be PMS.
You're too busy with your phone business to get her one?
I've been waiting for the prices to come down.
So what about the gas?
- The basic models are not that pricey. - Yup...
Of course, if you're tight with money...
I want the new model from Handan.
A test winner. Should be on the market any day now.
You can have my old one.
- I don't need it. - Go ahead. Take it.
Tell Inari I said hi.
She's one hot mama.
- I don't need it. - It's a great machine.
It doesn't have an HDMI connector.
- You got an HDTV? - I need one with time shift.
That has time shift. Two tuners.
- I don't want a used one. - It's four weeks old.
I have the receipt and the original package.
- It's wrong color. - The price is just right for you. It's free.
C'mon. Take it.
Test it at home. I'll come and get it if you don't like it.
I already know what model I want. Get it?
- He attacked me. - Did you get hurt?
No, no, not at all.
- Can I have a glass of water? - Sure.
A little bit of Ninjutsu.
Is the digibox really that important?- Yes.
It's evil to boss a poor man like this.
It's not my fault there are no jobs.
Did you go to unemployment counseling and apply for that job?
- What about the school in Oulu? - They won't accept me there.
- Accept you where? - Anywhere.
I'm tired of that attitude.
The bankruptcy was five years ago.
You can whine in bed to yourself.
Are you a living Finnish artist?
Are you still unemployed?
I could use someone who speaks languages.
- I'm too busy with my hobbies. - Mom, I don't know artists!
Call me if you get bored.
I'll drink myself to death before I get that bored.
I see.
Save your pity for Janne.
Inari's already packing her bags.
We're on our way to Rovaniemi to buy her a digibox.
- It would be nice to have some gas. - I'm not familiar with modernists!
Mom, I can't think of anyone else.
- The gas... - Sorry about the little incident.
- It was just my reflexes. - That's okay.
Drive safely.
That wasn't so difficult, was it?
I heard you need a mover.
Mickey, dammit.
Need a ride?
Cheap rides.
Need a ride to the other club?
A ride to the other side of the mountain? A cheap ride.
Thank you, Marjukka and Petronella.
- A soda and a mineral water, please. - A brandy. Now we start boozing.
Isn't that the girl from the tenth level?
- Is that really her? - Looks good for her age.
- Go ask for an autograph. - I can't.
That's right. Women are not that interesting in real life.
On credit.
No one's even looked at me tonight.
Except the guy with the toilet brush mustache.
- I look fat. - No, you don't.
Excuse me, can I get your autograph?
I think you got the wrong person.
I guess the red hair in the photo is not your real hair.
You know the helmet-looking bob.
I've played that game a lot, -
so I was thinking if you could... - What game?
I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. Have a nice night.
Wait. What game are you talking about?
It's one of those coin slot games you can play in bars.
I've only seen the upper part of your breast.
You're the final antagonist in the game.
Oh my God. That was in Berlin... I was so broke.
Do I look horrible in the photo? I hope it's not the raunchy ones...
- What raunchy ones? - Now I'm blushing.
How did you recognize me? That was a hundred years ago...
Could you write "To Tapio with love"?
Going back to your hotel? I'll give you a ride for 20 euros.
Fucking amateur!
- The pump isn't working. - It must be out of order.
We were told we could go ice swimming.
- I can't turn into a pump. - But we've already paid for it.
- We've paid for it. - Go roll in the snow.
Can't someone make the hole in the ice?
I'll call the porter.
- Oh fuck, I'm the only one here! - Isn't there anybody else?
We'll pay!
Follow me.
SIRENS
Hello!
Fixed it!
Hi! You want to dance?
- Dance? - Yeah.
Sure. We'll dance and talk.
We'll go to your place. I'll call you the next day.
We'll fall in love and become a couple.
The first year is wonderful. The second one is so-so.
We'll procreate because your clock is ticking.
I'll work a double shift at the factory -
so that we can buy a house.
You'll be up with the baby.
We'll grow apart. They'll move the factory to Brazil.
The bank will sell the house for nothing.
I'll start drinking.
You'll leave because you can't stand the drinking. I'll hang myself.
- Fine, don't dance. - C'mon. This is a good song.
- That's 50 euros. - Oh, your shirt is all wet.
- That's life. - You didn't hurt yourself, did you?
Bending your back like that.
I'm sorry but I have to get going.
There's a massaging shower over there.
- Who are you anyway? - We're an underwater rugby team.
- From Sweden. - An exciting game.
- You need good lungs. - Look at these muscles.
KAPU CALLING
- Where are you? - In the hot tub.
I got 50 euros for making a hole in the ice.
- What are you doing? - Sauna?
I mean, I didn't finish it yet.
There are a couple of variables here. I'll call you.
You want to?
I need to get this one thing done.
That's my daughter. She's five.
She's at her dad's. We divorced a year ago.
You must be like, "A single mom. What a catch."
Now I sound like you want... I mean, I want...
I must have terrible body odor.
- You think it's hot in here? - Yeah.
I mean you smell really good.
I wanted to say that... I like kids.
Your daughter is beautiful.
She takes after her mother.
I'm a bit tired.
I'm sorry.
- What? - This is a difficult one.
A hint: I'm a Finnish cartoon character.
I don't really have time.
- Why not? - Because.
- You've got a woman there? - Not exactly...
That's great.
I'll call you later.
- Show me what she looks like. - No.
But that's why I bought you the phone.
I'm sorry.
- She's a bit old. - I'll call you later.
I don't want you to put yourself into a tight spot, -
sexually.
Forty-something women know what they want.
They want something bigger.
I just don't want you to embarrass yourself.
Hello?
Sorry. I've got to go to the bathroom.
- Are you sure you want to leave? - Sure is not the right word.
- I know I'm ugly. - What?
C'mon. You're not.
- Killer lesbians! - The blond one wasn't.
They were killer lesbians! Am I the trip leader now?
Hi!
Let's split. He'll join us later.
Who's going to pay for that?
Thanks.
So you were just joking.
I'll give him another month.
If he could get his act together and bring me the digibox.
- That'll take some time. - What do you mean?
I wasn't going to say anything -
because Janne is a good person and a great guy.
But they were totally wasted when I saw them.
They could hardly get in the car.
I don't want to tell you what to do, -
but sometimes you have to make difficult choices alone.
If you want, you can stay at my place.
You can have one floor to yourself.
Isn't this enough of this madness?
These will dry, don't worry.
Oh, brilliant.
- I've got alcohol in my blood. Hold the wheel! - "Hold the wheel"?
- Räihä, get behind the wheel. - Don't. Stop!
- No, I won't. - Stop!
- Get behind the wheel! - Stay where you are!
Get in the front!
- Speeding, DUI... - Quick!
...endangering traffic safety, refusing to pull over...
It's impossible to install rally seat belts in the back...
- Good evening. - Good evening.
He ran in that direction.
We don't know him. We just asked him to drive us.
We're having a bachelor party.
Our driver got lucky, and we needed a driver.
Tapio is getting married tomorrow.
I'm really proud of you, Tapio. I'm his best man.
I coordinate everything.
I just wanted to let you know -
that one of your rear lights is out.
- Right. - That's so much bull that you'll take a Breathalyzer test.
It's not over the limit, but it's best you take a taxi.
You'll get the car keys in the morning.
Vierelä, don't even think about driving.
Until next time, boys.
Well done.
Räihä, call your mom to come get us.
What am I doing here?
I got my phone washed.
Well, it was a shitty old phone.
Turn here. I'm sure the cops are just around the corner.
This is crazy.
- Turn, dammit! - You're fucking crazy. Stop.
Turn!
Stop, for fuck's sake!
This is some weather. Blizzards, rain and fog.
I wonder what the man upstairs is up to.
I think the booze will go to my head faster this way.
Or should I say it'll go down to my head.
I just painted the car...
- What? - I had a bit of a force majeure.
- What a surprise. - So you're leaving?
- Why now? - Because you can't take care of one simple thing...
- This isn't that simple. - Was there something else?
- You've got someone else. - No, I don't.
You've got someone else, and you're trying to blame me for the breakup.
I'm pregnant.
You consider yourself father material?
Here are your quick draw prizes.
At least you got trendy seat covers.
Hope they heal your wounds.
Women are like street cars. There will always be another one.
How many street cars have you seen here?
Three beers on credit.
Things will turn out good in the end.
Look who's sitting over there.
The jerk-offs from Kittilä.
I figured you were here -
since the music on the jukebox is so shitty.
What are you pointing at us for, hippie?
Cut down on the windshield wiper fluid.
I see you've come out of the closet. Nice outfits.
Let's see how long you'll be smiling outside.
Fucking jerk-offs.
- You're jerk-offs. - Don't you ever learn?
What happened to your tooth?
Problems with short-term memory? Want a rerun?
- Speak Finnish. - That's right.
They don't teach English in your kindergarten.
Faggot!
Leave your beers inside.
Don't tear my ear off!
Don't twist me!
Janne, where are you going?
You'll miss a good match!
I'll take you myself.
Jerk-offs!
You move like my grandma!
Eat shit, you cripple!
- Are you running away? - You limp-dick Neanderthals!
A beer.
The asshole left his beer here.
Order me a soda.
Perkele!
Fucking genius.
- Are you alright? - Yes. There's a hole underneath.
Inari's pregnant.
We need a tractor here.
Russians.
- Good idea. Let's stay here. - Someone might be hurt.
Don't! I'm sure they've already dug a grave for us.
Right.
You've at least seen how it's done.
That's why I'm a vegetarian.
You're on your own now.
I think we should just go.
Looks damn good.
- What do I do? - He's suffering. Kill it!
- How? - Stab it!
Speaking of women, -
you think it was stupid to leave that girl at the hotel?
I thought so.
We'll speak Finnish then.
Finland. Perkele.
My old man was in forest business, too.
He worked at the paper mill.
He hanged himself when they moved the factory to Brazil.
That's right.
But I understand. They make a 15-percent profit there.
Here they only make 12 percent.
Hanging yourself is not that easy. The rope has to be long enough, -
so that you break your neck.
Otherwise you just choke real slow -
and might change your mind.
But you don't ejaculate. That's just a legend.
There's just piss and shit when we're freed at last.
But that's nothing.
We're all different.
- To a shitty world! - To a shitty world!
- What? - You've got the TV program guide there?
There might be something interesting on in the morning.
Sergei?
We could watch it together. Around seven o'clock.
Sergei?
A recordable digibox.
You won't find one like that at Hatunen's store.
Janne, I'm leaving.
Pyotr!
Shit!
Run!
Don't!
Don't shoot!
Kapu! Here!
What's wrong with it?
Oh, brilliant.
Perkele!
What did I do to deserve this?
Cordless phones were great, -
but is it my fault some idiot invented cell phones?
And that some asshole decided to stop analogue TV broadcasts!
Do they want me to kill myself?
- Why is everyone against me? - Oh, brilliant.
The spark plug must be wet. I don't smell gas.
...strong winds of 21 meters per second.
The storm should pass within three hours...
Let's go, says J. Lo.
Shouldn't we wait and see how the weather changes?
It doesn't look that bad.
Janne doesn't even have a hat.
And I'm sure he's lost his gloves. He's like that.
You don't necessarily need a hat in this weather.
- This is a nice trip! - Try to start it!
It's a piece of crap!
We'll die here.
We'll keep each other warm.
- No network coverage. - Dig!
Try.
An empty bed next to me
Reminds me of what used to be
You're gone and I don't think
You're coming back
You shared your bed with someone new
And started over again
Even though you knew it would hurt me so...
- My toes are numb. - We'll take you to the hospital in Rovaniemi.
Why are we going to Rovaniemi? You just said Inari left.
I'll get the digibox anyway.
You can get off here if you like.
Thanks for letting us choose.
I think I'll get off here.
I've got unfinished business at the hotel.
Räihänen, beware of tight spots.
You shared the bed with someone new
And started over again
Even though you knew it would hurt me so
And break my heart
What's left for me now that you're gone?
I don't know how to carry on...
- The hospital is that way. - You drive.
There are a couple of variables here.
You should go on The Apprentice... You'd win.
The bars are closing.
There's going to be a lot of traffic here.
I'm sure Jesus will pull up -
and reward you for your hard work.
Hurry up or your toes will fall off.
Get in the fucking car.
This is not India.
This is Rovaniemi. It's -15 Celsius.
It's gotta be five AM.
If this doesn't work, I'll come up with something else.
Fine. Whatever.
Yup... You idiot.
Never crossed your mind they might have traffic detectors?
- What? - I can't sleep because I don't know where you are.
- Come home, please. - Mom, you don't understand.
I want romance.
Good evening.
I'm here to see my sister Marjukka, -
but I don't have her room number.
- What's her last name? - I can't remember.
She just remarried.
I can't wake people up just like that.
- You have several Marjukkas here? - Nobody's expecting visitors.
Could you call her?
I'm sure you have your sister's number.
Her phone is switched off.
Listen. It's been a long day.
I'm asking you to leave.
I can call the police, if you like.
Good evening!
- I see. - I'll just wash your window.
- You don't have to pay. - I've had a long day, so...
Great. It's all over the backseat. Nice.
- Sorry. It caught me by surprise. - That's okay.
The cleaning will cost 150 euros, loss of working time 140 euros.
The cleaning company travel costs 30 euros. 320 euros in total.
- If you hit the air conditioner, it'll cost more. - What?
The cleaning will cost 150 euros, loss of working time 140 euros.
The cleaning company travel costs 30 euros...
- How much was that? - 320 euros.
- You know what time it is? - Sure thing, it's 6:30 AM.
- It's pretty late to go shopping. - What can I get with this?
That one.
- Does it have a recorder? - Yes.
- Does it have a good time shift? - Yes.
- Is the guide good? Is it a test winner? - Yes.
- Wrap it up. - You got it.
You fucking got it!
Alright.
I wonder if this is mine or his.
We bought it from the concert.
It was a shitty gig.
And Janne got up on stage.
It was embarrassing.
He can keep it.
Do you mind if I stay here a little longer?
I promised I'd wait till the morning.
The stuff is in the car, so we can call tomorrow.
Is there a misunderstanding here?
That we would start dating.
Are you saying you've forgotten?
- Forgotten what? - What we had.
Well...
It's possible I've forgotten.
- I was fifteen. - Sixteen.
- You must be tired. - Cutie pie.
It was sweet of you to help, but that's it.
I'm crazy about you. You make me hard.
- Feel it. - C'mon. I don't like this at all.
- Look. - Oh God.
Perfect. Drive safely.
- Are you sure? - Yes!
Okay.
Good night then.
No hard feelings.
I'll go. Bye!
At least you have a digibox.
Inari might have taken the TV.
- We'll go and get you a TV tomorrow. - From the city.
Inari.
What the fuck? What are you doing here?
Get out! Go home!
What's wrong with you? Have you lost your mind?
The roads must be plowed already.
What's wrong with you men?
Well, there's something wrong -
when you find a naked guy in your matrimonial bed.
Did you bring the digibox?
There were a couple of variables.
I can explain.
Where have you been again?
I was thinking of building a play corner for the baby.
- Next to the TV stand? - Yup.
Translated by Aretta Vähälä
Proofread and song lyrics by Rich Lyons